is your mom at the bar?
why didn't you poke me back
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
