3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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