Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
