he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm at about main and main street
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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