i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
