you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
