turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
