Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
