He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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