i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
