my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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