OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
