it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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