You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
