Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
