Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize