and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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