Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
