I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
