and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How external is "for external use only"?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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