Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
