Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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