No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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