Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
pop tarts are not kleenex
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
