i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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