Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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