Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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