Where are you?
In a non slutty way
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
