My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
