I'm so fucking centered right now
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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