You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
my liver is dry heaving
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize