New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
