woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
