just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
