He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think I sprained my soul last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
