nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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