Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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