If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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