So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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