The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
