Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
