"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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