you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
