Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I cut my penus on the lid.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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