I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
