So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
