Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
