I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
