You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
