its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize