omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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