well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
