I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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