No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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