Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
