The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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