Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
