did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
